If you love someone

If you love someone
set him free
If he comes back he has brand loyalty
If he doesn't, reposition the brand in new market.

Little Boy's

Bubba

There once was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!!

One afternoon, Bubba strolled into the office of his new boss and announced, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!"

His boss didn't believe him so he challenged him, "No, you do not know everyone in the whole world!"

But Bubba was steadfast, "Yes I do!", replied Bubba, "Pick someone...and I'm sure I'll know him!"

Well Bubba's boss thought for a minute and then selected a name, "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!"

Bubba thinks for a minute and replies, "Tom Selleck, sure I do!, Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!"

But Bubba's boss is sure he's mistaken and replies, "No you weren't!"

Bubba remains adamant as he says, "Yes we were!"

So they fly to Hollywood and drive to Tom Selleck's home. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers the door as Bubba shouts, "Tom!!!"

Tom gets a big grin as he returns the greeting, "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes.

Bubba's boss can't believe it, but then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person--a coincidence." So he again challenges Bubba, "How about the president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton, do you?"

Bubba again ponders a moment, then recalls, "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on a debate team together in college!"

Bubba's boss, incredulous, says "You were not!" and Bubba again confirms, "Yes we were!"

So they fly to Washington D.C. where they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye, waves, and shouts, "Bill!" and the President waves back, shouting, "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned - he can't believe it.

His mind reeling, he thinks to himself, "While the odds of this being a coincidence are astronomically high, the odds on Bubba knowing everyone in the world are far higher!" So he decides to try one more time, but this time he'll pick someone in another country, and Bubba's boss knows just who to pick, "The Pope! I'll bet you do not know the Pope!"

Bubba strains his memory for a minute, then says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!"

Bubba's boss laughs out loud and says "No he didn't!"

But Bubba assures him, "Yes he did!"

So they head to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd--without much luck--so Bubba turns to his boss and says "We're never going to get there together through all these people. I tell you what, I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves.

Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!

A few seconds later Bubba notices his boss faint. Bubba rushes back and finds his boss passed out and begins to fan him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!"

As his boss regains consciousness, he asks "Boss what happened?"

Bubba's boss looks at him and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton. I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asked 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that was a little more than I could take!"

Computer Talk

Guy #1: "You'll never believe this. If you play an AOL 7.0 CD backwards you
can hear all kinds of evil and satanic messages!"

Guy #2: "That's nothing. If you play it forwards, it installs AOL."

A Computer Poem for Users Over 40

-- author unknown (sent by JC Silva Costa)

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocketknife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
No one's been killed in a computer crash
But it makes their face turn red!

Feel better ?

IDIOTS IN SERVICE This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other.....

IDIOT SIGHTING #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?

Antiques store in Montreal

Broken English spoken perfectly!!
We do not speeak Urdu, Palestinian, Birmanian, Yugoslavian or Scotch and Soda... But our prices speak for themselves!
So please come on in and enjoy!!

The automated touch-tone mental health help line:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.

* If you are co-dependent, have someone press 2 for you.

* If you are a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

* If you are schizophrenic, wait; a little voice will tell you which number to press.

* If you are paranoid-delusional, don't bother to press a number. We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

* If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Kids say darnedest things

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

Some Arithmetical Poetry

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
Or for those who have trouble with the poem:
A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

Old man

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes.
The old man kept looking at him.
The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Einstein

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Helpful Expressions

 it only makes sense, if you know the portuguese expressions...

Hotel Signs (fun)

HERE ARE SOME SIGNS AND NOTICES WRITTEN IN ENGLISH THAT WERE DISCOVERED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
* English well talking.
* Here speeching American.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Outside a copier in India:
We make photocopies in all languages.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

From a Tanzanian newspaper ad
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool as you drink it all in.

In a butcher shop in Nahariyya, Israel:
I slaughter myself twice daily.

In a barber shop in Tokyo:
All customers promptly excecuted.

In a clothing shop in Brussels:
Mourning and sportswear.

In a barbershop in Zanzibar:
Gentlemen's throats cut with nice sharp razors.

In the window of a travel agency in Barcelona:
Go away.

In The Restaurant des Artistes, Montmarte, France:
We serve five o' clock tea at all hours.

In a bakery in Valley of Kashmir:
First class loafer.

*** VARIOUS MENU ITEMS:

Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones - Japan
Cock in wine/Lioness cutlet - Cairo
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
French Creeps - L.A.
French fried ships - Cairo
Fried fishermen - Japan
Fried freindship - Nepal
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Goose Barnacles - Spain
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Lamp Chops - Akko, Israel
Muscles of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Prawn cock and tail - Cairo
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Strawberry crap - Japan
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Toes with butter and jam - Bali

*** VARIOUS PRODUCT NAMES:

Ass Glue - Chinese glues
Ban Cock - Indian cockroach repellent
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Homo sausage - East Asian fish sausage
Hornyphon - Austrian video recorder
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Last Climax - Japanese tissues
Libido - Chinese soda
My Fanny - Japanese toilet paper
Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Shitto - Ghanian pepper sauce
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Zit - Greek soft drink

*** SIGNS IN THE USA (MOSTLY)

In front of a New Hampshire restaurant:
Now serving live lobsters.

On the menu of a restaurant:
Blackened bluefish.

In a New Jersey restaurant:
Open seven days a week and weekends.

On the walls of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy.

On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
Thirty-eight years on the same spot.

In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy.

In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center.

On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church.

In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers:
Parking for birds only.

In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a laundry room:
Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage.

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago:
Do not activate with wet hands.

In a New Hampshire jewelry store:
Ears pierced while you wait.

Disclaimer at the end of a London, Ontario, newspaper ad announcing job openings for firefighters:
The City of London is an equal opportunity employer.
We also provide all our employees with a smoke-free work place.

In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin:
Crap - .79/lb.

In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed.

In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

At a number of US military bases:
Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of an Oregon general store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission.

In a library:
Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.

On a Tennessee highway:
Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car.

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.

A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from the Transbay bus terminal:
Terminal Drugs.

From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket:
If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.

On a delicatessen wall:
Our best is none too good.

On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.

On a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

In downtown Boston:
Callahan Tunnel / No end.

A sign on a front yard in York, Maine:
Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night.

*** CONTRIBUTORS:
Signs abroad, menu items, product names:

Why Ask Why?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

To add an event to our calendar please send us a message:

22-May-2006